Would you say that you would picture different scenarios in your head?
And think things like - Shes not really in to me and stuff?
And even "disaster thinking"?

that's very similar to how I operate. the difference is, the statements aren't as absolute. I find a sign that something might be true, and then I analyse the situation for evidence to back it up.

That's true. This is what my female friends does. They are just fobbing him off.

(if that was the right word)

that's why we get the irrational woman stereotype. they get carried away with scenarios they've dreamt up in their heads, get emotionally invested into it. we can just be sitting one day, and a woman will storm in and demand to know why you cheated on her or something like that because of something that seems unrelated. like, "you left your socks on the floor. you usually don't! that means you're distracted! distracted with another woman!"

Yes definitely, but.. I think as I've got older, it's mellowed out a lot more. It's less frantic than when I was younger. The disaster thinking is probably partially dependent on how badly I've been smashed in the face by how much of an impression a girl has made on me. If she's pressing all the right buttons, simultaneously, repeatedly, the disaster thinking is able to go right off the scale sometimes. ;> (I'm 34 btw) And on the age thing, I think as I get older, I change. And as I change, the sort of girl I think I'm into, also changes. It's not a constant, though naturally you assume it is, because your own change is so very gradual and granular. Not sure though. Man talking about this stuff is like .. quantisation. Basically, my answers aren't black and white, or absolute. It's a bit of a grey area. But I hope it helps.

Yes it helps

Would someone share how disasterthinking can look like?

Is it lika I will make a fool of myself?

I have been very good at stopping that kind of thinking myself, so I don't remember.
But I've been afraid of barfing and peeing on myself, very stupid things

But this is very understandable considering you being assaulted. You have never been given a chance to figure your own sexuality out. And maybe you as a victim took the shame of the perpetrator. It ain't your sexuality who is ugly. It was that girl who forced her sexuality on to you that is dysfunctional - not you and your sexuality. It's beautiful and so are you

I've suffered a severe crisis once, then I learned that people either turn anger inwards towards themselves, or outwards.

I was a victim of abuse, and instead of being angry with them I got things mixed up in the head thought I was evil. But my therapist helped me find the anger in me, and express it in words. I also learned that I had the right to take up space, and mark that space, and even speak up to people. ( I believe you wrote that yoy coudn't say anything mean to others)
I practised to speak my mind, and to assert my right to exist, and think, and feel, on the internet for years. It helped a lot. I also learned that people are so different. Yes treat everyone with respect but if they try to lay their shit on you, you don't have to admit

A careful hug to you

I don't consider what happened to me assault. I call it molestation and I still feel funny calling it that.

In middle school, when I was 14, some sick fuck got a hold of me on the phone. He weaved some story about him being a doctor and long story short got me to masturbate for him over the phone. That was before I even knew what masturbation was. It happened a couple of times before I went to my parents. And they did a very poor job of handling the situation.

I may have internalized shame and I may have not. What I do recall is dissociation. Even before that happened I was dissociated from my sexuality. Are most boys busy masturbating by the time they turn 14? I have no fucking idea: I don't remember touching myself before then. What that situation did do is drive that wedge in deeper.

That was one trauma. There are two other progressively worse ones.

You can call my sexuality beautiful all you want. My fear responses are baked right in. I honestly don't know if I'll ever be able to undo the damage. There's a yawning chasm between not recoiling from a hug and confidently flirting with women.

I did get your unrelated PM, BTW. I'll get to it when I have the chance.

First. I'm sorry if I came out inept talking about your situation. And the enlish language. I have been tangled up in the words more than one time



Answer only if you want to, and have the time. Your story saddens me a great deal.

I believe children begin to have sexual experiences before 2 years of age. I you change diapers on male boys, they find joy in touching themselves. And smileys where happily when something happens down there. They often slamming their penises.
Very many women says - no you shouldn't. That's not appropriate to their small children. I wonder why? This is not the whole answer, and not hurting them either, but everything affects us.

I don't think doctor Drew is on the right path making parents and youngsters discuss sex as it is eating cake eiter. Especially with many parents not having boundaries. Imposing their sexuality on the children.
I don't think it's good for them

My mother went through my stuff, and my father used me as a pshycologist. Complained about my mother, how she was. He was supposed to protect me from her. Not the other way around. And he should certinately not disuss how booring she was in bed with me, that was a kind of emotional incest. I couldn't say I didn't want to hear. He was very authoritarian, I couldn't say no, it was always his needs. This has surely affected me.

It is quite all right.

Thank you for your empathy.

I came out of the no-DSR closet to a woman I see regularly (I'm going to see her in a few hours, actually). She has recommended that I read The New Male Sexuality by Bernie Zilbergeld. I'm hoping it will be a dispassionate reference manual to what a "normal" male sexuality it supposed to be. I'm an engineer and I read manuals for a living.

Ugh. I've been in therapy for years (I'm not now). And in those years I learned that that is called a violation of boundaries.

My relationship with my parents was similar. I'm sure my mom also went through my things. In a sense I served as my mom's peer, friend, and husband because my dad couldn't fill those roles. When I'd go to the movies with my little siblings my mom would always insist on coming. That made me uncomfortable until I learned how to say no. That's called asserting your boundaries (see, I'm learning). In the chaos and bustle of my sister's birth my dad couldn't stick around (the coward: I'm also angry). In a sense, I stepped in. But not because I wanted to. And in the aftermath my mom would tell everyone, "Oh! andrewharlan was there when my daughter was born!" And because I thought what happened was a good thing I told all my high school friends, "Oh! I was there when my sister was born!" Some people gave us funny looks. And yeah, years later in therapy I realized that was another violation. Almost trauma.

My dad wasn't any better. He felt entitled to waltz into our rooms without knocking. I yelled at him one time and even now I refuse to stay over at their house. I always get a hotel (my friends have asked why). He was emotionally distant and extremely authoritarian too. As a traditional, Latin American, and Roman Catholic man he believed in corporal punishment. I call it physical abuse.

Like your father, it was always his needs before my own. Want to hear the first thing that came out of his sorry mouth when I told him about my sexual molestation? "I can't believe you told your mother first." I was looking for goddamn support, not to hurt his fragile little ego. I hate him for that. So much.

Writing that made me cry. But it's socially unacceptable for men to cry.

College was rough. I was depressed before I knew what depression was. I told my parents that I was contemplating suicide. And my dad, in his infinite wisdom, came out with, "How dare you! Suicide is a sin! Your life belongs to God and it's precious blah blah." Thanks dad. See also: I loathe Roman Catholicism (I'm sorry Zeek, but it's true).

I will stop here.

Let me know if you like it. It might be helpful to me too, because of my previous relationship, and many thoughts and feelings that had created.



Yes that happening on many occasions really messes you up. I have also went to therapy and I got my self worth by her telling me thees things and making me see my strengths, and that it wasn't I who had the problem
I believe my lack of self esteem goes down to me being the scapegoat in the family



My parent's where quite narcissistic and the essence in their parenting is that they expect their children to be their parents.

What you describe I'we seen plenty of times, women who uses their sons to act as their men, that's is dysfunctional (is this the proper term? ) Children should be allowed to be children end of story. I guess you as I never was allowed that.

My therapist said that my upbringing was very much like growing up with an alcolist, and she said that I was what is known as Invulnerable/resilient child.
That explained a lot for me. I wasn't the one who was strange. I rather was the white sheep i a herd of black sheep


I have been thinking a lot about you. I'm glad you spoke up to me earlier (asserting boundaries) It gave me a lot to think about. One often wants to help and offer empathy and compassion, but if one is ignorant one gives what one think is right, not what the other person really needs.
Your reaction made me aware of that fact that I was doing exactly what presumptuous therapist had done to me, and that is a kind of violation of borders too. Being presumptuous I mean.

I guess with all your different experiences of sexuality, it's most important what YOU felt at the time. The one who knows how big an overstep it was each time is you. The people around you can make a much bigger overstep. ( I did one, sorry for that again)
I have a male friend who was approached by a man in a toilet at an airport as a young boy. He was more tormented by his family's reactions on the incident, than of the incident itself. His grandma was afraid it could "catch".
Having said that - that it is your reactions, it,s your body who can tell what it is or what it isn't. I just must say that your mother's behaviour is disgusting.
A birth can be a trauma on any man. And a Child... How self absorbed can a person get!!! Was she plain crazy!!! This really upsets me.


Of course it was a trauma poor you, this is what we do in good faith... And then your school friends reactions. But remember they didn't reaction because of what you did - but her make you do it Remember that.


This makes me angry aswell, this is a violation of borders.
Again my parents where narcissistic, they have no boundaries. Living with them is lika being a "cusoms monitor" You can never relax.


Yes one yells and they don't even react.
I must ask you. As a female, one part of my fears on giving myself to an man I realise that has sprung from this not beeing allowed too have boundaries.
A not realistic fear of mine is being afraid of being engulfed (is it the wright word)
My therapist often talked about being psychological obliteratied (I'm trying to describe borders being violated. It's like you're being devastaded - hope things come out proper in the translation)

I believe I have made a connection between intimacy and being devastaded (is there a stronger word for it. Because the picture in my head is a country being looted and burned)


What do you do with all your rage? My therapist told me to get it out, chopping woods or something.



"It's all about me". Hey? Disgusting shithole (sorry but It makes me angry aswell)

good for you! I can relate so much

It's a man who can't cry that hits you know. If I could I would hold you.



I didn't even bother to tell my parents of my attempts

What is bold?

I feel very strong for your situation. I don't know if it's the same but I travel back to my childhood of emotional negligence and constant holding ones breath and being observant of any threats coming my way.

My therapist told me I was sensitive like a seismograph.

(sorry bout my shitty english )

You didn't do anything wrong. All I wanted to do was deliver accurate information about what happened to me. That's it. It wasn't a big deal at all.

No need to apologize.

So, ah, what's your question?

I think "rage" is too strong a word. I call it anger. Sometimes I exercise. Sometimes I talk it through with the person involved. Sometimes with a friend who wasn't involved. Sometimes I just turn on the TV and let it burn away.

To be honest, I recall getting a little defensive on my father's behalf when you called him a "disgusting shithole." Which is a pretty strange reaction on my part.

Please don't apologize. I just like to figure things out by talking about them.

"Loathe" means "feeling intense dislike." I'm not a big fan of Catholicism as a religion and as an institution. I was raised Catholic myself. I now identify as atheist.

In this specific case I feel Catholicism prepared my dad very poorly for handling a son that's confessing depression and having suicidal thoughts.

And yes, I'm sensitive about the sexual abuse of minors. Abuse by Catholic priests in particular was big news. And one of my thoughts about it is, "If you want to create an environment where sexual abuse isn't an issue, maybe you shouldn't put tremendous pressure on your priests to remain celibate."

I wondered if you where scared of the act, but since I've read other posts by you, i realize you fear there is something wrong with your sexuality, that it wouldn't be welcome





Sometimes i express myself wrong, translating curses are very difficult. When people from the Balkan countries swear in my language, one chokes they are so
vulgar.

I tried to express my anger at a person who never cares for another human being but for themselves. I see now that it came out wrong and weird
I concentrate so hard and stumble on words and keys and oops

I believe my anger also has to do with my own father, who pitied himself when I told him about my problems. It was so hard for HIM.

Btw everybody feel free to comment on my language. I can read English well but express myself is very new to me. I always edit post but I guess sometimes they are a mess.

And I also think one does pic up a lot of bad language from TV series made in the US. Lot of swearing and cursing going on.

And 'bout the catholich church and abuse, it has been on the news here, and how the pope handled it. I have nothing against religions but the priests and how they put guilt on people it destroys life. In my country we are very influenced by Luther. Guilt guilt guilt. The church has been a tool for the people in power in my country. We as a people are now not active religious in my country.

I'm not sure what is up with me. Maybe I should get my ass back in therapy.

I don't think I've ever had an issue with the actual act. It's like by the time me and my girlfriend are taking our clothes off in a bedroom the hardest parts will be over. Yes it will be my first time and yes it will be awkward but hopefully it'll be in the context of a nurturing relationship and I will learn. And hopefully she will be patient.

It's all that stuff in between meeting a cute stranger and the bedroom I'm all hung up about. That is my Mt Everest.

To be blunt: erections. My libido seems healthy and I get those just fine. I can get turned on just chatting or dancing with someone. And I have a real phobia about the other person finding out. I automatically assume the other person would be disgusted.

And two women have found out. In retrospect the first time wasn't so bad. She reacted OK. But man oh man I don't think I've ever felt so awkward.

The second time was with a close friend. We were, ah, freaky dancing at a club together. Days after I was driving her home and the subject came up. And our conversation was the first real and _positive_ validation of my sexuality.

That's part of it. Like I said: Mt Everest.

It wasn't your choice of words. It was your anger. It brought up a protective instinct in me. I felt like protecting my father. Which again, is pretty weird because I don't think much of him.

Eh. I wonder how much of the unreasonable standards I hold myself to (You must never lie. You must never steal. Blah blah.) is because of my Catholic upbringing. It's probably mostly my father but all in the context of Catholicism.

I would say that an erection is the best and most sincere compliment a woman can get. It's validation.

Remember we are conceited, we take it personal, oh am I that hot.