I am here, quite hesitantly, because I think I have reason to be concerned. I am not sure what I expect from posting here, but I really needed to get this out there somehow.
I think I was 13 when I first began to notice girls and form attractions. It wasn't long before I developed the impression that I was on the outside looking in. When high-school was over I still had never kissed a girl, or even held hands! But, I chalked it up to bad luck and looked ahead to university with hope. I told myself something that I would repeat every year for years to come: "by this time next year you will most likely have a girlfriend." To me it seemed like everyone else around was out dating and romancing, my time must be any day now. I told myself this when I was 19, when I was 20, 21, 22, 23, and on, until one year I just stopped. Now I am 31, and I am still in the same boat I was in when I was 13.
There were a couple of girls who I spent time with during my mid-20's. I really liked these girls, and I knew they were interested in me - one particularly beautiful girl even gave me her number! she did half the heavy lifting for me! But one night after the other I backed down from the lines I had rehearsed, and eventually she moved on, and now I am left to think of what might have been. She is now married, of course.
A couple years later I found myself driving a lovely girl out to a music festival. We would go on to spend a lot of time with each-other, and the same trend as before would be repeated. I remember watching a movie with her, and she put her head on my shoulder. I wanted so much to do or say something, but I couldn't. Perhaps it is pathetic to say, but I will never forget her head on my shoulder.
Anyway, I think you get the drift.
Yet, I always remained hopeful. I somehow always thought my time was yet to come. Maybe I haven't met a girl that I love so much that I just could not let her go without saying something. I was still thinking it was bad luck. Then, one day last week I came across the wikipedia page for loveshyness, and I was shocked to see such an accurate description of my life. It was scary, actually, because if this is something that I am struggling with then the prognosis doesn't seem great if I don't seek help. But, I am not the type to go have sex with a surrogate or an escort (not for moral reasons, mind you), and if that is a part of the "cure" then I will take this solitude with me until the end, which I hope is not for many years to come. Maybe I will never find love, maybe I will never have children, what seems most important to me is that I find a way to be content with that.
By nature I am optimistic. I depart from the wikipedia account of loveshyness in this: I am not overly cynical about the world, I get along great in groups and in one-on-one situations, I do not resent or hate women - I love them! I always get on great with women.
I am hopeful that the next time I meet someone I will not let it go down as it has before. But, I cannot put all my eggs in that basket. I heard about someone who set an ultimatum for himself; that by the time he was 40 he would be where he wanted to be - now that person is dead by his own hand. Don't make ultimatums. That is the lesson I took from that. I will continue to hope for the best, to try and push myself beyond my comfort levels, but I will defy the notion that I am somehow living life less abundantly because I am single. I think that I could live a life worthy of pride being celibate and alone. I enjoy my solitude, I would not want to give it up for just anyone. I like who I am, and if the events of my past have made me who I am, then I feel that I can own this past. I love the quite night, a thought-provoking book, reflecting on big questions, a child-like curiosity and wonder about the world. I love people, I love laughing, and I love making people laugh. I wouldn't change these things if I could. But, if I had jumped easily into the dating world when I was 13, maybe I would have turned out much differently. So, I don't know if I would change anything.
There is nothing to be ashamed of if you are a 40-year-old virgin. This is unique! It something not many experience. This is my angle.
Still, I am a romantic at heart. I would love to meet someone, to fall in love, to have children (I think I would be a great father!) But, now I am afraid that I am fooling myself if I say, "it's only a matter of time." It may not be.
I guess that is all I have to say right now. I could go on forever about the role of religion in all this. Suffice it to say that I now loath what religion does in creating sins out of completely natural activities. Until I was 20 I was a voluntary celibate, soon afterwards I was one involuntarily, but the damage was already done, I guess.
Any thoughts on this, or questions about it, would be welcome!
And life itself told me this secret: "Behold," it said, "I am that which must overcome itself again and again."