In case anyone is interested, I had my final ketamine infusion today. If anyone is considering it as an unconventional depression remedy, I’d say go for it. Can’t say it made a a lasting or fundamental difference given the logistic hassle and high expense but during my infusion I got a glimpse of the intense happiness neurotypical bugmen feel. Not saying their way of life is any is any less frivolous and disingenuous but I do understand the appeal now. I can see why they’d actively subject themselves to continuous self-delusion in every aspect of their aspect of their lives. I can see why they'd actually want to be proactive about their life, futile as it is, if they continuously experience instances where they feel that good. I can see why they’d be invested in a soulless, corporate grind if they keep being fed vapid morsels of career advancement that make them feel socially superior. I can see why they’d ‘try and salvage’ a relationship with a cheating, demeaning partner and actually convince themselves that they can action a permanent change in his or her behaviour if the bliss they feel during sex or even synthetic displays of affection is that intense. They don’t want to give up that source of overwhelming positive reinforcement and they instinctively put rationalisation mechanism in place in order to ensure continuity of service. I felt it for a brief moment and you’d put up with a lot and would instinctively lie to yourself about it irrespective of the factual reality of your circumstances if it meant holding on to that feeling. Not saying they’re living in a constant state of ecstasy but it’s obscene how content, self-satisfied and unencumbered most people must be. Their lows are higher than my highest highs.
Still, it was not the temporarily restricted panacea sources across the board led me to believe it was. Next I’ll probably give vortioxetine/trintellix a go, which according to studies indubitably sponsored by its manufacturer shows high promise when it comes to resolving the cognitive impairment that goes with depression, and if that doesn’t take I’ll probably take a nap on some train tracks.
Soon there will be war. Millions will burn. Millions will perish in sickness and misery. Why does one death matter against so many? Because there is good and there is evil, and evil must be punished. Even in the face of Armageddon I shall not compromise in this. But there are so many deserving of retribution ... and there is so little time.