So I just came across this site today, and I've been waiting until I got the chance to post. In a nutshell, here's my story. I'm 22 years old, and your typical geeky guy. I like anime, video games, sci-fi, etc. I was always outcast in school, and never had many friends. While I did have the opportunity to date a lot of girls in school, I never did. I'm only now within the last year starting to date. Thanks to a few months of therapy I've finally gotten my confidence up enough that I can actually ask girls out. Here are my experiences.
Last year when I was 21 I contacted an old friend I found on facebook. We hung out a little before I asked her out. It was then that I had my first kiss from a girl. It was just a little peck on the lips... but it seemed so meaningful. Like in the cartoons I walked away feeling so goofy. Unfortunately a week or two later we ended it. I started feeling these intense feelings of sadness, like wanting to break down and cry. We had a talk and decided we were better as friends. It took me a long time to get over it. It was after that I sought therapy because I was feeling really sad, even a bit suicidal.
Next relationship I had was this year in June. I met a friend of a friend at an anime convention. I actually had the balls to give her my number and ask her to call me. And she did! We went on a few dates afterward, and we kissed. Again, just a peck on the lips. I didn't feel the same sort of euphoria that I did with the first girl, but I guess I was just over the shock. Then a little over a month into it, I started getting that really sad feeling again. Again, once I confronted her, she said we would be better as friends.
Just recently I had another relationship with a girl I met online. We talked on the phone every day for a week before our first date. I was feeling more confident, and I actually went to hold her hands as we walked through the park. No kiss that time though. The next date I went over her house and we watched movies late into the night. We were laying on her bed cuddling. She then lifted her head and kissed me on my cheek. I then went to kiss her on her lips. But then she started kissing me more than just a peck on the lips. We actually started making out! Eventually it all turned to French kissing too, which was strange at first, but really fun once I got into it. Really it was nothing more that just sucking on each other's face for a half hour. The day after that I felt really awkward. I think things just went too fast for me. I thought that I would be feeling happier, but instead I got that feeling of sadness. And of course, the relationship broke off soon after.
So I think from my experiences thus far, I'm improving. However, it's a long and painful road that lies ahead of me. Fortunately the feelings of sadness don't last as long anymore. After the first girl I wanted to kill myself. This time I was sad for a day, and I'm over it. Also I think that some sexual things I may have blown out of proportion. Like I always thought making out and french kissing was supposed to be passionate and whatnot. However I found it wasn't anything like that. It was fun, yeah, but I didn't really feel any cosmic energy pouring into my being. I guess I should try to view sex like that too. I mean it's probably not much more fun than masturbation if you're with someone you don't harbor feelings for. What I should be looking for is a person that I can form a loving relationship. Then sex would probably full of cosmic energy and all that jazz.
Just thought I'd share my experiences to see if anyone else has had anything similar happen. I'm especially interested if anyone ever experiences these feelings of sadness right before a breakup. I'm starting to think that it's really my intuition telling me what my conscious mind might not know, or might not want to believe. So maybe in future relationships I should call off the relationship when I get that feeling to prevent me from getting hurt any more.
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