Here's my situation:

I'm 24 years old. Never had a girlfriend. Never lost my virginity until last year, when I decided to sleep with a (fairly attractive) cougar, who an alpha friend hooked me up with. Technically, mission accomplished...the stigma's gone. But the sex was sloppy. I was incredibly nervous, no matter how much I tried to hide it. I was so nervous I couldn't even get a full erection. I've had a few other sexual encounters before, but they didn't involve intercourse, or in many cases, intimacy. I was nervous in all the ones where I wasn't drunk.

From grades 5-8, I was picked on ruthlessly, to the point where I think it scarred me for life. In grade 9, I started getting in good shape, and when I started fighting back, people wouldn't mess with me. I went from near the bottom of my gym class to near the top in a couple short years. That, plus the fact that I broke out of the firmly-set elementary school social order, enabled me to leave the realm of social outcast. While I had a cordial, largely neutral relationship with the popular kids in high school, I still found I got along better with the so-called "nerds". I just found some of the popular guys were big a$$holes.

Some people maintain the theory that love-shy individuals were neglected or abused during their childhood. I actually had the opposite problem. I have an overbearing mother who tries to pamper me way too much. My father was the counterbalancing force in that equation, but he wasn't terribly active in teaching me how to 'be a man' or how to do well with women. My parents met when they were 17 (she initiated) and have been together since, so I think it just has more to do with the fact that my father hasn't had to go through the same trials and tribulations as I have. Don't get me wrong. They're great parents, but they taught me how to be a stable 'nice guy', instead of the "man" that you need to be in order to tackle the world.

During my high school years, I wouldn't even flirt with a girl I liked. I would bottle it all up, release it to her in a big nervous speech, and be rewarded with the friend zone. I've since forced myself to break out of my shyness comfort zone, but it's still deeply embedded into my psyche. Then, by the time I drop a hint/flirt, or make a move, I'm already seen as one of those 'buddy buddy' kind of guys. The only times I have any sort of sexual success is when I'm either A) drunk or B) just don't say anything at all and get lucky.

Once, when I was a virgin at 22, I had an older woman ask me "Why are you still a virgin? Don't you have anything going for you?" I found that really insulting. I may be socially awkward and love-shy, but I still think I have a lot going for me objectively. I have run multiple half-marathons, competed in continentially-significant sporting events, bench more than my weight, have strong friendships (although not numerous), have a degree from one of Canada's most prestigious universities, and am in a post-grad program, living away from home independently. I'm sure I could be doing a lot worse.

But even still, I feel haunted by demons of my past, have a lot of confidence issues surrounding women and intimacy, and feel awkward in a lot of group social settings. Since the start of my undergrad, I've actively tried being a more outgoing person, with some success. Some people say they wouldn't even classify me as shy. But I still feel it deep down in many cases. I feel like I'm putting on a front in order to function in society.

The "male lesbian" description seems very fitting of me. I'm as straight as a pin, but I prefer when there's foreplay and cuddling, as opposed to just raw-doggin it and diving in. Comfort is key to performance. I'm terrified of rejection, don't take it well, and I'm thrilled if the woman makes the first move (at least drops a strong hint). From there, I have no problem escalating. But I have no concept of timing or "when the mood is right". I'm an absolute dunce with that sort of thing.

So what do you guys think? Do I fit the description of love-shy? Is this the forum for me?

I'd qualify you as a incel with several love-shy traits. We have here virgins and non-virgins, so welcome.

i like your story has some similarities to my own. How'd you manage to break out of the social cast? I thought i did but i'm starting to realize i have a very small amount of friends from my school days.

I couldn't give you an exact list of actions I took to achieve this, but part of the reason was that the bullies that made up the elementary school population became a smaller school of fish in a bigger pond when I started high school. Essentially, I was given a fresh start. My high school experience wasn't perfect, but it was a hell of a lot better than grades 5-8. That, and I think my athletics gave me a bit of status and respect that I wouldn't have otherwise had.

Interesting to note that I did have a couple alpha/popular/jock friends, but I wasn't in with any of their 'groups', so to speak. Also, I found my bonds weren't as deep with them and I was better able to relate to the so-called 'nerds'. I've basically lost contact with a lot of those alphas, more or less voluntarily.

Many of my friends today are what could be considered love-shy/incel, but on an even more serious note than me. Some of them haven't even got so much as a kiss and just avoid the topic of women, sex, and relationships altogether. They say "Oh I haven't really thought much about it/I'll deal with it when I'm established." At the other end, one of my alpha friends is a DJ and has slept with 20 different girls by the age of 24. Another chunk of my guy friends have had one or a few different relationships, but are not players by any means.

I couldn't really give you a list of concrete actions that got me out of the outcast category. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that the bullies in my elementary school became a small school of fish in a big pond by high school. That, and I did attain some status/respect in athletics. I even had a few friendships with people who were considered alpha/jocks/popular, but I wasn't part of any of those groups. My lasting friendships tended to side with those people considered "nerds".

Even today, many of my friends would easily be considered 'love-shy/incel'. Some of them get downright uncomfortable if I bring up the topic of women/sex/relationships. They say "Oh, I honestly haven't thought about that stuff yet/I'll deal with it when I get older". Complete avoidance. On the other hand, one of my alpha friends is a DJ and has been laid by 20 different girls by the age of 24. Another chunk of my friends have had one or a few relationships, but they aren't the player types, and struggled with incel at a younger age.

Although, just because I know I'm not the only guy who struggles/has struggled with this issue, doesn't mean I don't want to tackle it head on. I went through a couple years of depression later in my undergrad, brought on a number of factors that gave me a jaded view of the world. As of the beginning of 2010, I realised I was 23 and reality was hitting me like a ton of bricks. I guess you could call it a quarter life crisis. Since then, I've been on this gig of self-improvement, self-identity and actualization. I need to set out a path to become the man I want to be. I feel my shyness gets in the way of that in some respects. And now that the v-card has officially been lost, I'm starting to care more about things like intimacy and companionship.

Sorry about the triple post. Was having server problems.

no problem; I got rid of the duplicate -boogers

I love the idea, but we'll see what my late assignment, thesis project, and 2 other assignments have to say about that this weekend.

FML.

Trust me, it's not a matter of time management. It was in undergrad, but with this post-grad program, there is barely enough time to manage with all the assignments we have. For example, last semester we had 7 (highly technical) courses with an average 5 assignments each.

I'm going to visit my friends and my one friend's house tonight, but that's not broadening my social circle. Most of my friends now are out of the educational stage, so it's hard to branch out and meet new people unless you have the time to start a new activity altogether. That won't be happening for me until June.

^ Regarding the above, that's why I just practice talking to the few girls that exist in my class or approach them in the hallways of the campus. It's really the only opportunity I have to fit into my schedule at this point.

I wonder how many of us inexperienced guys were education-focused in our 20s. When I think about the guys my age who are successful with women, many of them didn't spend much time in a classroom environment.

Thank you for sharing. Your story sounds very familiar. Especially your approach to women you fancy, that's just what I've always done.

Don't let them notice (heaven forbid) until you finally gather the courage and tell them bluntly you're in love. The method is nearly guaranteed to fail, but I too kept making this same mistake over and over.

Yeah, but let's face it. If you were in either of those programs, you probably wouldn't be interested in women anyways.