Hello

jeje · **Posted:** 05 Mar 2011, 13:30

Hi Pleiades.
I don't know if you'll find an answer on this board, maybe you'll even get false ideas about LS reading some posts here.

Anyway, welcome.

*waiting for LC to tell her to fuck off

Erebus · **Posted:** 05 Mar 2011, 14:20

Pleiades wrote:

Hi everyone

First off, I should point out that I'm female. I came across this site because I'm currently dating someone who you might call "love shy" and I just wanted to find out a bit more about it. When we got together recently, my boyfriend was a 27yo virgin who had never had a girlfriend, and I really don't understand why because he's kind, smart, and attractive (though he insists he's not). I find it a little strange that someone so great has been lonely for so long, and I guess I'm just trying to understand. I suppose I also have a few concerns about his lack of experience, and I was hoping that I might find some answers. I've lurked for a couple of weeks and it seems kind of rude not to post anything.

It's simple. Men are expected to initiate. Love-shies can't initate - they are too shy or inexperienced to approach potential partners. Many women (who are constantly seeking alpha males) don't understand this simple fact.

I am glad that you are at least trying to understand how love-shyness works.

lemonlime · **Posted:** 06 Mar 2011, 01:48

Heyo! Try not to let the more belligerent posters scare you off, they'll definitely try.

andrewharlan · **Posted:** 06 Mar 2011, 03:39

Erebus wrote:

It's simple. Men are expected to initiate. Love-shies can't initate - they are too shy or inexperienced to approach potential partners. Many women (who are constantly seeking alpha males) don't understand this simple fact.

I'm love shy. A 33 year old virgin who's never had a girlfriend.

It's extremely difficult for me to initiate romantic interest. I'm sure it's different for everyone, but for me, it's hardwired in my brain that if my expressed my normal, healthy, male sexuality, the automatic response from my romantic interest would be revulsion and disgust.

Love shies are _not_ asexual. I sure as hell am not.

It's not just "Oh, I'm afraid girls will think I'm gross so I just don't do anything." Sometimes my reptilian threat responses shoot through the roof, even when _I'm_ doing the initiating! One time, I asked the world's hottest barista to get lunch with me. When I was doing the deed I was _so_ scared, my body in full-on panic mode, that I tell people a loaded gun pointed at my face wouldn't have scared me as much.

She did get lunch with me. It was a positive experience. But no, we never dated.

I've done a lot of soul searching to find out why I'm the way I am. I've been in therapy for years (I have stopped). I've been traumatized. I've experienced things I didn't even know were traumatic until my last therapist made me see otherwise. I've been sexually molested. I've flat out asked my parents if there was other abuse that I've blocked out. They themselves have physically and emotionally abused me. As they were when they were young. I don't have much of a relationship with them, but I can be civil.

Your guy friend there did a very brave thing when he asked you out. Acknowledge that. And you can be brave right back by being understanding and gentle with him. _Communicate_ with him, using simple, clear words. Seriously! I go _nuts_ trying to understand the signals women throw at me. If they only just _talked_ to me.

Good luck!

Zeek · **Posted:** 06 Mar 2011, 03:56

Pleiades wrote:

Hi everyone

First off, I should point out that I'm female. I came across this site because I'm currently dating someone who you might call "love shy" and I just wanted to find out a bit more about it. When we got together recently, my boyfriend was a 27yo virgin who had never had a girlfriend, and I really don't understand why because he's kind, smart, and attractive (though he insists he's not). I find it a little strange that someone so great has been lonely for so long, and I guess I'm just trying to understand. I suppose I also have a few concerns about his lack of experience, and I was hoping that I might find some answers. I've lurked for a couple of weeks and it seems kind of rude not to post anything.

I guess I kind of understand the whole love shy thing, because I'm not the most confident or outgoing person myself - the first time I was ever asked on a date I thought it was a cruel joke, because why would anyone want to date me? If I'd been a guy I'd probably have been love shy myself, because I had such low self esteem that I'd never have dared presume that anyone might want to date me. That was a good few years ago though, and I've gained a bit more confidence since then.

Anyway, I hope you don't mind me hanging around for a while. I hope I'm not intruding - please let me know if I am, and obviously I'll bow out gracefully. If I can provide any useful advice while I'm here, please just ask.

Hi Pleiades. I hope you find things to help you here.

I used to date somebody who may have been 'loveshy' (I came to this forum looking for advice on how to help him as a friend). I wish I had found this place when we were dating - there's a lot of good information here, and insights from a male perspective.

Are you concerned about him being anxious or wary about making emotional / physical connections with you in the relationship?

mrping · **Posted:** 06 Mar 2011, 09:21

welcome... take everything with a tablespoon of salt and prepare to be flamed...

what exactly are your concerns?

loveablenerd · **Posted:** 06 Mar 2011, 09:27

Don't jinx her, jeje, lemonlime and mrping... so far this thread actually looks promising!

There is a wealth of information to be found on this site... you just have to keep in mind that many guys here are in a very dark place due to LS and incel issues, and would never say some of the things they do if their lives had been different.

Oh and welcome to the forum, Pleiades!

Pleiades · **Posted:** 07 Mar 2011, 00:03

Pleiades · **Posted:** 07 Mar 2011, 00:07

Mitchell · **Posted:** 07 Mar 2011, 00:12

not every guy wants or needs to have sex with lots of women before settling down, if you find someone worthwile and she happens to be your first it would be stupid to not go for it for that reason

Small Pink Blob · **Posted:** 07 Mar 2011, 01:11

Pleiades wrote:

mrping wrote:

what exactly are your concerns?

One of my main concerns is that I'm looking for a lasting relationship, and it seems unlikely to me that a man would want to settle down with the first woman he has sex with and never sleep with anyone else. That would seem to imply that the relationship is doomed from the start. Even if he doesn't dump me, I wonder if he'll regret not having slept around, and if it would affect our relationship years into the future because he's resentful that I dated a couple of other people and he didn't.

He thinks he's unattractive. He must be convinced that he doesn't have the option of sleeping around or finding another girl.

Pleiades wrote:

we could end up being one of those couples that date for years and years without committing, because it'll take him years to be ready to move from having his first girlfriend to being ready to marry. If he's so shy, would he ever have the nerve to ask me to marry him anyway?

Is this a problem? How long did it take for him to ask you out?

You have to be okay with waiting, and always being the one who moves the relationship forward. Experience is one of the only ways to "cure" love-shyness. He hasn't had any previous girlfriends to "cure" him, so it's your job. Sorry.

Pleiades wrote:

I'm also a little concerned because the same low self esteem which prevented him from dating also means that he struggles to see why I'd want to stay with him. He thinks I'm going to dump him for someone better, and I worry that it makes him see our relationship as impermanent, and that it might discourage him from feeling able to commit. He keeps saying he's not attractive, so does he think I'm lying or that I'm just nuts for liking him?

Forbid him from ever doubting you again. This sounds harsh but it's for the best. There's nothing you can say to ease his fears. Stay with him and let him judge your faithfulness by your actions. He will still doubt you in his mind but that's inevitable. Allowing him to voice his concerns will achieve nothing but putting a strain on your great relationship.

mrping · **Posted:** 07 Mar 2011, 02:21

Pleiades wrote:

One of my main concerns is that I'm looking for a lasting relationship, and it seems unlikely to me that a man would want to settle down with the first woman he has sex with and never sleep with anyone else. That would seem to imply that the relationship is doomed from the start. Even if he doesn't dump me, I wonder if he'll regret not having slept around, and if it would affect our relationship years into the future because he's resentful that I dated a couple of other people and he didn't.

In the same vein, I'm also a little concerned that he might not realize that we actually have a great relationship, because he doesn't have anything to compare it to. Someone who's dated around would realize that we have a good thing and would want to commit, whereas an inexperienced guy might think a relationship with anyone else would be just as good, and might therefore not value our relationship as much.

Also a more experienced guy probably has a few years worth of dating under his belt and is looking for commitment in the near future, whereas a less experienced guy might want to gain a good few years of dating experience before he'd be ready to commit. That means we could end up being one of those couples that date for years and years without committing, because it'll take him years to be ready to move from having his first girlfriend to being ready to marry. If he's so shy, would he ever have the nerve to ask me to marry him anyway?

I'm also a little concerned because the same low self esteem which prevented him from dating also means that he struggles to see why I'd want to stay with him. He thinks I'm going to dump him for someone better, and I worry that it makes him see our relationship as impermanent, and that it might discourage him from feeling able to commit. He keeps saying he's not attractive, so does he think I'm lying or that I'm just nuts for liking him?

If i put myself in the same situation...
I'd be delighted to be in a relationship and wouldn't want to ruin it. Approaching women is already difficult so I doubt I'd have any options to dump someone for anyway. If he truly is LS, the pattern seems to be that sex is secondary to love.

I value relationships even more because I've never had one. It would be difficult because they're not all butterflies and rainbows, and it's my first time around, but I'd do everything in my power to keep it.

Your 3rd concern seems kinda far-off to me. I mean marriage is a big deal. My opinion is that the longer you are together before the marriage the better. There's ways to commit other than marriage too, moving in together, that sort of thing.

The 4th is a big one. I'd worry about that all the time. This one's in your hands, you've got to make him feel unconditionally loved. His self esteem will gradually rise.

Pleiades · **Posted:** 07 Mar 2011, 02:44

andrewharlan · **Posted:** 07 Mar 2011, 04:26

Pleiades wrote:

One of my main concerns is that I'm looking for a lasting relationship, and it seems unlikely to me that a man would want to settle down with the first woman he has sex with and never sleep with anyone else.

That's the way I'm thinking and I'm a man. I'm open to a long-term relationship but I'm also not thrilled about settling down with my first serious girlfriend. Lots of other people get the valuable experience of dating around and I want that too.

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