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PostPosted: 07 Mar 2011, 22:34 
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Wouldn't work for me, seeing how many men basically belittle me whenever they can. To show shyness is to show weakness. Other people would not allow it.

So your post is basically theoretical.

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PostPosted: 07 Mar 2011, 23:02 
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Zeek wrote:
I think in this case online dating can potentially be a fantastic thing. Talking to someone online at least helps remove some initial barriers you have due to shyness.


Well, I'm shy online too. What do I do?


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PostPosted: 07 Mar 2011, 23:36 
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jeje wrote:
Zeek wrote:
I think in this case online dating can potentially be a fantastic thing. Talking to someone online at least helps remove some initial barriers you have due to shyness.


Well, I'm shy online too. What do I do?


I meant this sentiment in a general way. I have found, and many other people I have spoken to, that speaking online, at least initially, can be a lot easier than sparking up a conversation with someone face to face. But I am sure that is not the case for every single person out there.

I don't know your situation so I wouldn't want to give advice on not appearing shy online, in case it was found to be patronising. But if you did want to talk about it, I would first ask, in what ways are you shy online?


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PostPosted: 07 Mar 2011, 23:45 
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thechak wrote:
coffeetogo wrote:
Very little of this is relevant for a low-status man.


That might be true if you looked like a bum and approached a stranger at random, but it's not necessarily true for every circumstance throughout your life.

I am quite close to as low status of a man as is possible. I have never had a job do to disabilities of various kinds, mentally am quite "differently abled" so to speak, physically sick to the point I can't speak or eat. I mean, I'm what nearly every woman doesn't want when they make a list and then a bit more added after that.

But... Well, Sputnik could do 10, 100, 1000 times better as far as the things on the "list" go, but I believe her when she says she really wants to try with me over other guys, if that would be possible.

So yeah, it's very possible I'll end up spending my life alone in the physical sense given my situation. Probably likely. But it's not necessarily an impossibility for a woman to find me very interesting or attractive for all of the other reasons, that don't usually go on a list.

And really, in some ways some of you guys have got stuff I can't offer to add to that. I mean, you've got your voices to speak with, you've got your food you can eat, and many here have jobs and money, and all of that. But if someone could possibly be interested in someone like me, then why not you? You guys deserve it.

I mean if I had the money, then immigration and all of that stuff would be possibilities. It's just, I don't have that stuff. I'm not good at that kind of thing and now I'm sick, and I can't talk anymore. It's really sad, but I mean it's just the way it is.

I just really want the best for you guys, I know how much it hurts to be alone. I remember feeling incredibly sad, before I met Sputnik, like it seemed like a literal impossibility for anyone to ever love me. But while I'm still alone in most ways, and there is still pain to go with that, I don't feel that way anymore and it is so much less painful to know now.

Even if things never work out between us (they probably won't, I have to be honest, look at the situation), I'm very convinced in her intentions, and she has given me happiness, I can carry throughout the rest of my life, just knowing someone, somewhere really cared so much about me that way.

You people all deserve it. I just don't want you to suffer that pain anymore. I know it. I know that pain and it's wonderful to be free of it even if I can't have everything I'd want in life.


You and Sputnik sound like you have a very good foundation of mutual understanding and compassion to work from as a couple. I wish you both all the best.


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PostPosted: 07 Mar 2011, 23:59 
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Zeek wrote:
jeje wrote:
Zeek wrote:
I think in this case online dating can potentially be a fantastic thing. Talking to someone online at least helps remove some initial barriers you have due to shyness.


Well, I'm shy online too. What do I do?


I meant this sentiment in a general way. I have found, and many other people I have spoken to, that speaking online, at least initially, can be a lot easier than sparking up a conversation with someone face to face. But I am sure that is not the case for every single person out there.

I don't know your situation so I wouldn't want to give advice on not appearing shy online, in case it was found to be patronising. But if you did want to talk about it, I would first ask, in what ways are you shy online?

Generally I don't initiate. I don't know what to say.


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PostPosted: 08 Mar 2011, 00:08 
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jeje wrote:
Zeek wrote:
jeje wrote:
Zeek wrote:
I think in this case online dating can potentially be a fantastic thing. Talking to someone online at least helps remove some initial barriers you have due to shyness.


Well, I'm shy online too. What do I do?


I meant this sentiment in a general way. I have found, and many other people I have spoken to, that speaking online, at least initially, can be a lot easier than sparking up a conversation with someone face to face. But I am sure that is not the case for every single person out there.

I don't know your situation so I wouldn't want to give advice on not appearing shy online, in case it was found to be patronising. But if you did want to talk about it, I would first ask, in what ways are you shy online?

Generally I don't initiate. I don't know what to say.


What is the context? Talking to people you know on a chat client, online gaming, online dating, chatrooms, etc?


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PostPosted: 08 Mar 2011, 01:02 
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Online dating.

I don't have problem talking with people I know, well, I don't know what to say, but if I know the person it's not that a big deal.

But with people I don't know (especially women) it's just impossible for me.
I try to overcome that fucking irrational fear, but that's not that simple.

I once ask a woman out for a drink (a friend of a friend), that's the only "date" I ever had. (She told me she liked me, but that she needed time blahblah, two weeks later she had a boyfriend).

The thing I hate the most is phone calling.
That's why I don't even bother asking numbers.


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PostPosted: 08 Mar 2011, 01:08 
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Hmmm... I had written a story here about how Sputnik and I met, cause I thought it might help to illustrate the point of how sometimes being honest and abnormal can lead to very strange or unexpected results. But I'm feeling it was a bit too personal so I'm taking it down for the time being.

I might repost it if I feel safe with it after sleeping on it.


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PostPosted: 08 Mar 2011, 06:24 
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I don't think most people go about shaming those who are shy, which is the way it should be. What concerns me with thechak is that he might potentially confuse the positive notion that shy people shouldn't feel ashamed, with the less than positive notion that others should somehow be obligated to form a relationship with them.


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PostPosted: 08 Mar 2011, 06:53 
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ardia wrote:
Wouldn't work for me, seeing how many men basically belittle me whenever they can. To show shyness is to show weakness. Other people would not allow it.

So your post is basically theoretical.

Not theoretical. I am living proof that the approach worked. It worked well. It was the approach I used when I had quite a bit of success with online dating back before it turned to shit.

From "My plan":
loveablenerd wrote:
So, what I've learned from all of this is... when you have a nervous condition like me (all you Asperger sufferers take note too) you are not going to be able to hide it. Forget faking it until you make it. Fortunately, most women will overlook nervous ticks and certain oddities IF they get to know you first and realize you aren't a psycho.

I realized early on that I wasn't going to beat the players at their own game, so I went the opposite direction. I took pride in who I am and even amped it up a bit in my profiles. I wasn't afraid to make fun of myself a little too, but I made no apologies. And I was successful with that I think because many women appreciated my humor and honesty.

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PostPosted: 08 Mar 2011, 09:01 
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i think it's about how you feel about it not so much letting it out... telling a woman seems counter productive in many aspects IMO. but saying to yourself "I'm LS and i'm proud!", if you will, seems like it would have a positive effect. Embracing the facts about yourself rather than burying them and trying to change one of your most basic emotions seems the better option. Neither are easy to do though... so much social stigma and years of convincing yourself there is something seriously wrong with you will not go quietly into the night.

Any man who is able to become comfortable with who he is will have dramatic success with relationships in all areas of life, IMO.

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PostPosted: 08 Mar 2011, 12:45 
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lemonlime wrote:
I don't think most people go about shaming those who are shy, which is the way it should be. What concerns me with thechak is that he might potentially confuse the positive notion that shy people shouldn't feel ashamed, with the less than positive notion that others should somehow be obligated to form a relationship with them.


Ludicrous, Lemonlime, I have never implied that and have even stated more the opposite.

All I've asked of women who would claim to be supportive of love shy men, is that "If given the right circumstance, they would date a love shy man" and are not just here to condescend to them.

The right circumstance doesn't have to be a damned person here. It never even has to happen if the right circumstances don't arise, but some people are far too condescending to even say that much. That's where I take issue and why I said what I said in the other thread.

Your post actually reads a bit like an example of trying to shame me, which is ironic. You have ignored where I have actually said the opposite about this and "concerned yourself over how I might be manipulative or have entitlement issues." Why would you be concerned about that?

By the way, would you date a love shy person given the right circumstances yourself? I don't know if I've seen you say such yet.


Last edited by thechak on 08 Mar 2011, 13:16, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: 08 Mar 2011, 13:13 
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loveablenerd wrote:
From "My plan":
loveablenerd wrote:
So, what I've learned from all of this is... when you have a nervous condition like me (all you Asperger sufferers take note too) you are not going to be able to hide it. Forget faking it until you make it. Fortunately, most women will overlook nervous ticks and certain oddities IF they get to know you first and realize you aren't a psycho.

I realized early on that I wasn't going to beat the players at their own game, so I went the opposite direction. I took pride in who I am and even amped it up a bit in my profiles. I wasn't afraid to make fun of myself a little too, but I made no apologies. And I was successful with that I think because many women appreciated my humor and honesty.


Yes, that is spot on. I think it can be a great alternative for people. I'm glad Jeje spotted my over generalization here early on in the thread.... Sure, it isn't necessarily the "only" way. But it seems like there is so much focus on the fake it til you make it approach, and some people honestly just can't do that, so what is left really? Just quit?

For as many conditions you have or situations you are in, you might find someone else who has a similar one and is excited about having someone they can relate to in a partner. I've always wondered myself if people with Aspergers, would somehow get along better with a partner who has the same, than trying to hook up with people who might not understand?

I'm glad it has worked for you in the past, LN. I honestly think you are one of the most balanced posters here in what you say. I've been impressed at your insight. You are intelligent and compassionate, and I imagine you having a whole lot to offer someone.

Whether women are knocking down our doors for a chance, is another issue, but people want what they want right? But things aren't necessarily hopeless. I really wish you well.


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PostPosted: 08 Mar 2011, 13:34 
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mrping wrote:
i think it's about how you feel about it not so much letting it out... telling a woman seems counter productive in many aspects IMO. but saying to yourself "I'm LS and i'm proud!", if you will, seems like it would have a positive effect. Embracing the facts about yourself rather than burying them and trying to change one of your most basic emotions seems the better option. Neither are easy to do though... so much social stigma and years of convincing yourself there is something seriously wrong with you will not go quietly into the night.

Any man who is able to become comfortable with who he is will have dramatic success with relationships in all areas of life, IMO.


Yeah, that's another way to look at it. You don't always need full disclosure and that can turn people off too, especially if it seems excessive at one time, I agree.

I just think for many people who are sending offputting signals that they can't completely control? Like myself, I get an insanely strong fight/flight response around women who could be of interest for example? Disclosing why, could make that the difference between seeming a total creep and just a guy who sends funny signals unintentionally?

Either way, yeah, feeling so much shame about love shy, would make it even harder to approach or have confidence in yourself. If you are ashamed of who you are, how can you find that confidence? It's like a dog chasing their tail.

It is really hard to let go of something like that, I agree. We are given a lot of negative messages in our lives about who we are. People trying to tear us down, or tell us who we are is the wrong way to be. Sometimes we are actually punished for it in more physically tangible ways, but most of it is passed down as shame. I really don't think internalizing shame about something like this, helps us at all.


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PostPosted: 11 Jan 2013, 09:51 
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thechak wrote:
jeje wrote:
Nah, it doesn't work.

From experience if you tell a woman you're shy, you're immediatly and indefinitly friendzoned, that's all.


Maybe the majority of the time, but how many women have you told that to? Don't you think it's a bit rash to dismiss the entire female population on personal experience?


Nope. I am a female and can validate that it's about 89.9% true.


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