no, it's not generally caused by abuse. not overt abuse. its a mode of belief.

consider how morals are formed when growing up.
you feel a very strong compulsion to not take your clothes off in public, don't you? but it didn't take abuse for that belief system to be ingrained in you.
LS is a very similar compulsion, formed in similar ways. all my life I was given messages that one should respect women, should be gentle, tactful, considerate. expression of sexuality was always met with disgust from women. I remember, I was perhaps 8 at the time, thinking what I good boyfriend I could be, I would treat a girl so well, and not disgust her by being lewd, or making her feel cheap by feeling merely like the target of my perverse sexuality. None of this occurred from a particularly traumatic event, it was just the value system I was constantly fed. Now, unless I know for sure that the girl won't mind me expressing it, any expression of sexuality is as difficult as it is for you to parade around naked in a busy place. Harder, really.

I hear you Fonduman. You desribe the intellectual part very well.
But values doesn't cause anxiety attacks. It causes feeling uncomfortable.
If one's experience anxiety it has to do with self boundaries being violated.

I've been googling about this but I don't know what theese mekanisms is called in english

And as Mitchell pointed out earlier there are different ways to be love- shy like everything else

exactly, some will have stories of abuse, severe bullying in the past, others won't, some will be able to overcome this on their own, others won't, each case will be different and so will be each solution of their is one that is

well, there's different ways to achieve the same consequences. i'm sure a traumatic event could make you terrified to express your sexuality. i'm just not sure i think it's right to define the condition as such, it seems misrepresentative to someone trying to understand it.

I do suspect there is something to this. He is just fine with me in every other way besides letting me SEE him. There is something abouut himself that he is not comfortable with me seeing. I have seen a few pictures of him and I am always encouraging him about what I see although he also knows that if he was green with gills I would love him just the same. He has gorgeous eyes. Sensual OMG WOW lips. I think he is take my breath away handsome.

But I know he doesn't feel the same. I so want him to see himself the way I see him. I wish I could see my own self the way he sees me so I do get it.

Well, maybe he's just not comfortable being seen that way at all. The fact that you consider him handsome might feel like pressure to him: he might get the (unconscious) idea that because you find him attractive, you also expect him to act the way an attractive man would. And yet it's a catch-22, because if he ever suspects that you don't consider him attractive, he'll beat himself up for not being up to your standards, and he'll go crazy over the idea that you might prefer more attractive men. Either way, he has nothing to gain by introducing his appearance into the mix, because in his eyes it's just one more thing you can judge him for.

It took me more than six months to allow my first girlfriend to see my picture. I only sent it to her on the condition that she didn't comment on it. More than a year later, when I finally visited her house, I found that she had printed out my picture and put it in a little frame by her bed. I kept turning it around so I didn't have to see it, but she kept turning it back. (That was only at the beginning though, she later stopped caring about the picture frame and the relationship) I obviously did this primarily out of self-consciousness, but I also never liked the idea of people reading things into people's looks and even evaluating them based on that.

The only thing that could convince him to let his face be seen is the absolute certainty that he's going to be spending a lot of time with you physically in the future and thus you'll see each other all the time anyway. It has to seem completely inevitable to him. If he ever gets into that mindset, he might even willingly let you see him online, just to get it over with and make things easier in the future. Sadly I have no idea how he could ever get to that point. If you moving in 10 minutes away from him didn't convince him that meeting up was inevitable, then I don't know what would.

By the way, I wonder what his plans are for the future, for your future. Has he resigned himself to his current situation? Or is he just waiting for some unforeseen twist of fate to force him out of his comfort zone? I'm not saying it like this to mock him; it's just that, thinking about it, if he considers all feasible options too intimidating, the only choice left for him would be an imaginary risk-free option.

I don't have time to reply to the earlier posts (the follow-ups to my question), but I plan to.

Great post, it describes perfectly how I feel about love-shyness.
I didn't have any trauma in life. I'm born that way.

confusion on my behalf

And how does one convince someone that that is the case?

And the mode of belief is that she will sooner or later reject you?
How does one convince you that this is not going to happen?

rejection isn't really the essence of the fear, though it's easy to confuse with it. I'll use an analogy I've mentioned before.
Imagine you're invited into someones house. They offer you tea. You demand steak. Now, this person is really nice, you know you will get what you want. But if you're a normal person, you would never do that, you would feel ashamed at yourself. LS is similar in that the expression of sexuality in itself is unconsciously seen as inappropriate and shameful. If you're 100% sure that the other person won't be bothered by the expression, then it can be possible to express. But even a little uncertainty can firmly hold you back. If you do express interest, and get rejected, I think often you aren't as devastated by the rejection as you are the negative response to the display of your feelings, which reinforces the shame cycle.
That's why I have been able to send some messages on online dating, and the rejections didn't really affect me that much. It's a sexual context, it's expected and appropriate to express interest. Like going to a steakhouse

Okey so the essence is to be exposed, because when you do that to somebody you like you are very wulnerable.

And therefore for some of you it would be ok to go to a prostitute because you don't care for her? She can think whatever she like.


So... If I would tell him that I long for him, for us to fumble a little together. Will I be closer to get out of this mace?

Small Pink Blob, thank you for this post. I got so much out of this. I believe you are onto something here. I can see this exactly. Interesting that your previous girl printed out your picture and put it next to her bed. I did the same thing and he didn't much like that either. Of course he wasn't there to turn it around, but he did make alot of noise like WHY do you need that. If I ask for a picture, he grumbles and snorts "You KNOW what I look like" While I believe he knows I am not judging him by looks because I loved him truly before I even saw his picture(even if it was just like a friend) I know there is an uncomfortableness. I know this because I experience the same thing and I don't have an overwhelming fear of someone ditching me because of what I look like. But I do want HIM to see me as pretty even though I know he is not that shallow too and if I were to be Witch Hazel he would love me anyway. I don't think I look like Hazel, but when I wake up in the morning before the hair and makeup routine and I find myself thinking "Ugh, I'm sorta glad he doesn't wake up next to me and see this mess" even though realistically I do realize it is not so bad even without makeup and the hair etc. Even with my logic telling me that, there is still that primal urge to primp. Maybe thats left over mating urges but its not who I am at my core.

When I re read my post I saw that I had said that he is "just fine" with me in every way except for seeing him face to face. I also need to say that what is "just fine" to me is more than likely not how it is between other men/women. He also doesn't 'come on to' me as the initiator. While he responds positively to my advances(as in when I flirt with him, putting ideas in his head) he doesn't ever initiate. But he always always always responds. And stays thinking about it. If I text him something, he will respond and then if I do not have a chance to text right back I will find that he will come back half an hour later with another response that shows he is STILL thinking about it.

It bothered me very much when his mom came to town and the mom, aunt, cousin made plans to go to a basketball game and out to eat. While he doesn't ever go out on his own accord to do these things, when Mom comes to town and makes plans like that, he goes. He doesn't like to "leave me home" but he will go. That never really bothered me before I got here to his town. This past year, I grumbled to him "how come you have NO problem letting people see you at work, going out to the ball game with your family and sitting amongst other women/strangers, going to a restaurant and talking to a waitress yet you won't even get close enough to the woman you love to even properly meet her?" This does drive me crazy. I just don't understand it at all. And he has no answer. I will say again that I do believe with ALL OF MY HEART that he is confident and secure in my loyalty and love for him. He has said on a few occasions "Its NOT you, its ME" when I question what it is about me that he is avoiding. The only thing I can think of, the only thing that makes me different from every other human being is that he is in love with me and a sexual relationship even if it is not a face to face one yet. So I have to think further that if he is not insecure about me rejecting him as the object of MY love in a face to face, then it must be the sexual? There is absolutely nothing in our personal lives that would lead me to believe that there is anything at all wrong with him sexually. On the contrary, I do know that he really really does like the idea of being with me that way. I'm the closest thing to a sexual relationship that he's ever had. I don't know if something traumatic happened to him when he was young. He has never talked about it. There was one time when we were talking one day and the subject of kissing someone from the opposite sex as a kid came up the conversation ended pretty quickly because he very nearly growled in sarcasm and bitterness without telling me exactly what happened. I can't remember exactly what the conversation was now..I wish I did. I just remember being so surprised to hear that tone in his voice so unexpectedly.

And the last thing I can think of is that MAYBE he has a hormonal imbalance? His sexual INTEREST seems just fine, even very very healthy to me but maybe is the DRIVE different? He does have other features that would lead me to believe that he more than likely does not have high levels of testosterone. If this is the case, it has worked in his favor aesthetically because he is very nice to look at. And I wasn't kidding in another thread when I said that men who have this issue going on might very well be an evolved breed of man. BETTER BY FAR. I cannot tell you how many times I have secretly thought to myself when being forced to observe an obviously testosterone overloaded male in action "Jeez, buddy, can you turn it down a notch? The need for caveman tactics is so last (prehistoric) age." So refreshing it is to be with a man that thinks with his brain and not his crotch. I have read that sometimes this is also an issue with men that have LS. Not all. Some.

On the other hand, when I have suggested taking the initial meeting slow as in just starting with a meeting, lets say hi face to face and no other pressure AT ALL he sounds genuinely disappointed and doesn't appear to like that idea at all.

*sighs* I have said more in this thread than I felt comfortable sharing because it has always been my hope that he would come in here and try to get support for himself and he is a very private person and I know he would not like me sharing our business. Its been almost a year now and that hasn't happened to my knowledge and all I can say is "sweetie, if you are reading this.....Im sorry if this displeases you to share so much of our business. You know I love you and you know I intend on doing whatever it is I can to get us over this block. You're just gonna have to trust me and deal with it"

not really. you've been taught that expressing sexuality is shameful. that's really all there is to it.



if we were able to approach girls we didn't care for, we could cold approach.
in fact, the opposite is often true. the more me know and care for someone, the easier expressing feelings is, generally, because we trust them more.

in the case of a prostitute, it's difficult but possible, because they want business. they expect you to express sexuality around them. it is an environment in which it is appropriate. the difficulty arises in the fact that she may not really want you to express your sexuality, may secretly be disgusted.

the thing about him not initiating sexuality is to be expected in LS, it's quite typical. I'd like to think we'd get over it in time, but even being able to respond is quite a large step. And you don't have to worry, he most likely wants you to initiate very much.
I'm not completely sure about his aversion to meeting. I'd imagine I'd be quite anxious in such a situation, but this extremity of reaction is strange. And it doesn't seem directly as a cause of LS, most likely the situation is complicated with a different disorder too.

have you considered BDD? could explain it. he thinks he's ugly, he thinks he'll lose you if you realise. by putting off meeting, in his mind he is keeping you from leaving him.