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PostPosted: 26 Oct 2018, 06:56 
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sorry for my English
I am 30 years old. Avoidant personality disorder.
I get annoyed: when the psychotherapist declares to me that my problems with love are temporary, there is nothing special about them. Very soon there will be a girl and everything will immediately turn out well. Simply and easily. I do not see the slightest improvement, but I have to hope.
I understand when it was said at the age of 20, the whole life ahead. But at 30? I think those who are 40-60 years old, they say the same thing. If everyone else can, then I can too.
The psychotherapist only insists: drink pills, play sports, pursue a career, attend mass events .... And the girl just appears herself. Magic! But it is not.
I changed a lot of psychotherapists. Success: I became more sociable, friends appeared, I visit prostitutes ... but it looks like I got to the top - what psychotherapy can give.
On psychological sites, I do not see that love shyness taken seriously.


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PostPosted: 26 Oct 2018, 09:04 
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Hallo brother!
The only question is: Are you GOOD-LOOKING? If the answer is "yes" than your therapist is right and there is a high likelihood you will find a girlfriend sooner or later. But in case you are BELLOW AVERAGE LOOKING - than with 30- the chances for a success with any remotely ATTRACTIVE woman is very slim indeed.

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PostPosted: 26 Oct 2018, 23:08 
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pavel wrote:
sorry for my English
I am 30 years old. Avoidant personality disorder.
I get annoyed: when the psychotherapist declares to me that my problems with love are temporary, there is nothing special about them. Very soon there will be a girl and everything will immediately turn out well. Simply and easily. I do not see the slightest improvement, but I have to hope.
I understand when it was said at the age of 20, the whole life ahead. But at 30? I think those who are 40-60 years old, they say the same thing. If everyone else can, then I can too.
The psychotherapist only insists: drink pills, play sports, pursue a career, attend mass events .... And the girl just appears herself. Magic! But it is not.
I changed a lot of psychotherapists. Success: I became more sociable, friends appeared, I visit prostitutes ... but it looks like I got to the top - what psychotherapy can give.
On psychological sites, I do not see that love shyness taken seriously.

There are governments and multi-billion dollar industries which thrive on the efforts of men trying to get sex. Literally everything we men do to improve ourselves and our lives is (at its base level) for the purpose of attracting a mate. If you are kept desperate for sex, you will (in most cases) continue to work toward anything that will help you get it; even if you fail continuously. So you continue trying to, get a good paying job, a nice car, your own home, and continue paying for retarded therapists who either don't know or won't admit that the dating game is rigged and not worth playing.

No one who actually has the power to help you with your dating issues will actually try to help you with them. So you can either keep trying to "win the lottery" or you can accept that the the dating system is DESIGNED to make you fail and move on.

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I never knew a priest that could tell you anything about Heaven. ...But they knew EVERY square inch of Hell.

They should know. ...They built it.


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PostPosted: 03 Nov 2018, 14:43 
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The Geek wrote:
Hallo brother!
The only question is: Are you GOOD-LOOKING? If the answer is "yes" than your therapist is right and there is a high likelihood you will find a girlfriend sooner or later. But in case you are BELLOW AVERAGE LOOKING - than with 30- the chances for a success with any remotely ATTRACTIVE woman is very slim indeed.


Define good looking. What you consider good looking, someone else might find not that interesting.
Looks have nothing to do with social function. It might make you more approachable, but if you're unable to maintain or start a conversation it's not going to do anything for you.

To op: you know where your problem lies, your avoidant PD, so work on it. Therapy is merely giving you the tools to deal with situations and understanding how your mind works. Now that you've reached the end, time to challenge yourself. Find something anything that peeks your interest but also scares you just enough to be a challenge, but not that much it becomes something you can not overcome. For example, i have the same PD. I started out with volunteer work, with elderly people, did that for a few months till i became comfortable with spontaneous conversations, living life more self conscious. What you do or want to, so you have something to talk about if a conversation would ever start. From there on i volunteered at music festivals, behind the bar. Had massive panick attacks, but really wanted to face my fears, i wanted change. The first week was hell. But after finding my groove, and getting comfortable after-work with co-workers i started to relax and eventually actually have fun.
Having done that, it changed my personality. From a reclusive/depressive person, to approachable, comfortable and sociable. I still feel tense, going outside, or getting groceries or busy places. But it's tension i can deal with. And doesn't stop me from going outside anymore. Looking for the next challenge/fear now ;)

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PostPosted: 04 Nov 2018, 21:54 
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Terdle wrote:
Define good looking. What you consider good looking, someone else might find not that interesting.
Looks have nothing to do with social function. It might make you more approachable, but if you're unable to maintain or start a conversation it's not going to do anything for you.

В самом деле. Как оценить его привлекательность - понять, на что я имею право полагаться? Я неоднократно заявлял свои фотографии для оценки на форумах. На сайтах знакомств. Они часто давали 6 из 10. немного, но психологи рассматривают это как перспективу во мне.
Terdle wrote:
To op: you know where your problem lies, your avoidant PD, so work on it. Therapy is merely giving you the tools to deal with situations and understanding how your mind works. Now that you've reached the end, time to challenge yourself. Find something anything that peeks your interest but also scares you just enough to be a challenge, but not that much it becomes something you can not overcome. For example, i have the same PD. I started out with volunteer work, with elderly people, did that for a few months till i became comfortable with spontaneous conversations, living life more self conscious. What you do or want to, so you have something to talk about if a conversation would ever start. From there on i volunteered at music festivals, behind the bar. Had massive panick attacks, but really wanted to face my fears, i wanted change. The first week was hell. But after finding my groove, and getting comfortable after-work with co-workers i started to relax and eventually actually have fun.
Having done that, it changed my personality. From a reclusive/depressive person, to approachable, comfortable and sociable. I still feel tense, going outside, or getting groceries or busy places. But it's tension i can deal with. And doesn't stop me from going outside anymore. Looking for the next challenge/fear now ;)

Поблагодарить. Хороший совет. Таким образом, я сам преодолел некоторые страхи.
Думаю, нам нужен новый страх.


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PostPosted: 05 Nov 2018, 02:33 
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Google translate hooray :p

On your first point, there's a difference between being "good looking" and looking good on photo's. For example, a fat girl can look beautiful and slim on photo's from the right angle, the right lighting and good filter/make-up. But in reality she is not good looking. What the best angles are? Youtube helped me there with tutorials on how to make better pictures of models and nature, and applying them to myself. I have a pretty big nose, so frontal pics work best for me, or slightly angled but not too much. Frontal lighting just enough to get a warm glow on my skin (i'm light skinned) and my head slightly tilted down. On pics, I look amazing, in real life...nah.

Your second point, find a fear dude! I'd say go do volunteer work, something like coffee rounds in a home for the elderly. You'll get to practice having conversations, and there's plenty of down time to mingle with co-workers and volunteers. But at the same time there's not too many people as to scare you off. Build up to a goal, for example visiting a music festival next summer ;)

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From the netherlands = slightly broken english.
Loveshy, not incel.


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PostPosted: 16 Jul 2019, 12:42 
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I agree that psychologists/therapists tend to play down this problem. They tend to think it will just eventually work out. Also I found, female therapists are the worst people to talk to about this problem. They tend to think you are handling the situation with the girl fine, meanwhile the girl sees a problem and changes her mind. I also had an avoidant personality. I was very cute when I was young, girls would give me plenty of attention, but I always had a hard time pulling the trigger and asking them out or for a phone number. I can give you countless examples of this, and it never really got better with age. I am not going to go into my problems that occurred when I was alone with a girl in a car or a room. I also could not assert myself sexually and make any kind of move to get the fun started. Also, the girl would always wait for me to do something. She rarely made any kind of move or said anything. But I could tell she was ready to go. Maybe I was afraid of rejection. For example I met a girl at the gym. She gave me her phone number. I called the girl up we talked, but I never asked her out. I said, " I will see you at the gym". I just could not get up the nerve to ask her out. I told my female therapist about this, and she said "that's Ok". What kind of stupidity is that. The girl ended up changing her mind. Some therapists are very ignorant when it comes to this problem. Unless you find a very good one, that is clued into your problem it will be of no help.
I could go out and talk to people and be sociable, so my problem was never as severe as yours. But getting up the nerve to ask girls out, or make any kind of move for sex was very difficult. I was always too passive for them, but my therapist thought I was handling the situation fine. I feel therapy is not very helpful when it comes to this problem. Maybe a surrogate, or just getting lucky and finding a girl who makes some moves and takes you through all the steps. That's what happened to me, but I was very good looking so it was going to happen at some point. The girl was a bit older, not nearly as attractive as the younger women who showed interest in me, but it was a fun experience and helped me to make moves with other girls afterward. But, even after having sex numerous times it still is hard to get up the nerve to ask them out and make moves. I think I had avoidant personality disorder or something like it but was never diagnosed.
Alcohol helped, but it is a problem that requires alot of effort to fix, finding the right people and probably some kind of anti-depressant medication.


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